I am... rain?

Today is a rainy day in San Diego. Today is a beautiful day in San Diego. I woke up feeling refreshed and revived, not remembering where I left off in prayer last night when I fell asleep but I don't care.... Today is a beautiful day. I woke up with the feeling of rejuvination. I am delighted in the fact that our God has created everything on this earth to be BEAUTIFUL despite my preference for sunny days. God has shown me beauty in this dreary weather. I have no idea where this spark has come from or where this sudden passion has risen from inside of me. I feel ALIVE. My deepest desires have resurfaced and today I have found FAITH and HOPE in knowing that all of this suffering has brought me "Back to You" (Johnny never lets me down with a good line to thrown in somewhere). I want to constantly be filled with this desire to LOVE an GROW in this crooked world (thanks Meg for this word that seems to be embedded in my head) and shine brighter than a 100000 Watt light bulb. I want to thank YOU, all of the YOU's in my life who have held my hand, held my heart, shook their heads at me, breathed with me, lived with me, listened to me, held the many pieces that somehow comprise this awkward human being that I call myself. I know that we are all so far from being perfect or sane or rational. Today is a great new day. 

I don't want to WANT anymore. All that I desire is a NEED for what is real and what is true. I don't want to be comprised of these earthly compounds, just of the purest of elements (Thank you Physical Science). 

Where my girls at? That thought keeps coming up in my head (Destiny's Child? Is that their song?). But thank you for the silliness of yesterdays conversation. It lightened my heart, relieved me of my daily stresses for that brief moment in time to stop and think about how great our God is to let the stars align for a moment and allow us all to be in the same place at the same time from all corners of the world. 

Just when you think you have lost all hope, all sense of yourself, you look in your closet and say THERE YOU ARE! God has allowed me to meet him here. meet him NOW. just as I AM. I am bust a mere human being, but I, we, am created by him, the greatest artist of all time. I am here. I am now. I am... who knows what I am, but I am.

Shut Off and Stop

Last night  a dear friend of mine saw the opportunity to shut off her brain and STOP THINKING... and I  decided to joined her. I don't know WHY it is that we wrap ourselves up with too much that we need to take the time to slow down and BREATHE, but we do. So we drained our brains to each other, filled our bellies, and wasted our evening giggling and playing guitar hero. I know... FAB-U-LOUS!

Thoughts:

We are run by our subconscious.

D is apparently my favorite new letter... I did not decide that consciously.

Laughing feels fabulous.

Ishmael is not as innocent of a name as one might think.

I beat Alycia at guitar hero 2 times... level of intensity doesn't matter.

I bought a "big girl" purse.

Cup or mug shot or neither?

Dancing no matter HOW feels fabulous.

I want school to be over.

I have no time but when I do have time I am always doing something.

I am a machine... 

I have about 10 different design projects.

Come home soon.

I want to be me again... whoever that might be.

One day we'll all look back and smile at how far we've come... (that's NOT what she/he said)

and we'll probably laugh at how crazy we were too.

Truth or Dare

I just thought I'd let you know that Truth or Dare at the age of 20, even the age of 22, can still be fun and beneficial. This particular Truth or Dare game, which started as a joke, that lasted for 5 hours, was quite successful. The truths consisted of serious and silly conversations. The dares consisted of dancing in your panties in the rain, making prank phone calls, picking avocados in the rain in your panties (everything is funnier when the other person is in their panties and you have clothes on... apparently), dancing and singing out loud while you have head phones on, and having to kiss a cat. 

I encourage us all to reach into our back pockets and pull out our pasts along with our immaturity and have a fun-filled night of Truth or Dare. If you're thinking, "I don't have enough people to play with" that's okay, it can be played with even just 3 people.

Try it... I dare you.

Words

Tonight I am inspired by words. Written words that all of my loves seem to be sharing. I know that technology is sometimes WAY too convenient but when your loves are spread throughout the world, I LOVE IT! 

Lately I have been thinking about the concept of units. The idea that things are meant to be clumped together to form a whole. Letters placed together and separated by punctuation and spaces create words and sentences that we use every day!  A beautiful whole that can full any hole in any one of us. I love that words are the links within a unit. They are the links between loved friends, loved boyfriends and girlfriends, and loved family members. 

Words are the most important thing that we have. Words define us! Words create who we are! 

The other day (on a lighter note) Samuel and I were sitting in the kitchen drinking our morning coffee and I mentioned to him that one day I would like a dog. I said that I would like to get a bulldog and name him Cleatus. Then, just to throw him for a loop, I decided to throw in that I wanted to get a girl bulldog as well and name her Clitoris. (The look on his face was priceless.) As he asked me questions, such as, are you serious? I kept a perfectly straight face and said, I think it's a beautiful name. As frustration slowly rose inside of him, I  grew more and more excited for the moment that I got to say GOTCHA! Once his frustration got to its peak he said, well I'm going to get a dog and name it Vagina, how does that sound? 

Keeping my cool as I tried to convince him that  Clitoris is a beautiful name and when the word comes out of your mouth it just sounds nice. The conversation ended with me saying that the only reason he doesn't like the name Clitoris for my future female bulldog is because of what the word/sound means. Words can have any definition, but we just automatically relate them to the meanings that we've been taught.  After this comment he responded with a rolling of his eyes which replaced the words "You're rediculous."

So-- WORDS ARE POWERFUL! Each word has a special, creative meaning. Each word has its own unique sound and I encourage us all to explore the power and silliness and excitement and seriousness of words.

Welcome

I stood there_ my hands sweating. Even if I had the strength to lift my hand to the knob I don't know if I'd have the grip to open it. I felt her sweaty hand inside my other palm. Her dead weight spread into my body. I could feel how heavy she was. She felt just as heavy as I did. My body was lead. If we had to try to tread water, the water would win. We were out there for so long. We had no chance anymore. I was ready to drop like an anchor. My muscles failed me. I couldn't feel my feet. I stared at the large steel door that we stood in front of. I let go of her hand. It dropped with a thud at her side. I wrapped my arm around her side to prop her up with the few ounces of strength I had left. As I lifted her up, my hand grabbed the door knob. I lifted my head, ready to face was laid beyond the steel door. The second it cracked open I could feel it. The heaviness rushed in. I put one foot forward and dragged her in behind me. She stopped fighting it and moved wherever my arm led her. Once we passed the threshold, waves of heaviness drifted into us. Each wave held a different explanation. Each one told a different story. My head, no longer high, had no direction. I focused on my feet. I couldn't feel them, but I could see them. I lifted my head as far up as I could. The waves kept hitting us. As I stared into the eyes of strangers I saw each explanation. Abuse, neglect, lack of love, the love ran out, the kids grew up, another man. Each set of eyes felt like a stab in my heart. She didn't seem to move. She seemed lifeless... nothing was left. She'd tried all she could. We were sinking. Our feet were bound, we couldn't run. We were set. It was set in cold, hard, bitter stone. The door swung closed behind us. 

Welcome to the club.

Drains

Everything turns inside out

That cage is too small and they don't know

what to do with it.

Beeps and flames and sticks can't

make the cage open up.

I close my eyes, but it's still there.

The only problem is is that I don't know what it is.

All I know is that it's too big for me

and there's no password to open the door

and let it roam free.

The faucets,

all the faucets,

are turned on.

Someone left to make a trip to the store

and when I got home,

everything was flooded_ destroyed.

I was so distracted by trying to keep everything

from getting wet that I forgot

to turn the faucets off.

I looked down.

My feet were all wrinkled and shriveled.

Time had gone by

and I hadn't noticed.

I was being soaked into the flood.

I searched violently to find

a dry space to calm my feet.

My feet kept moving.

They weren't moving forward, though.

They were moving right and left and up and down.

I was being pushed in every direction

all the while the pounding continued.

It got louder and louder until I could finally hear it.

And then I saw it.

I saw the cage with the tremendous beast

smashed within the bars.

It was screaming to be let out.

I was screaming to be let out.

My hands_ what do I do with my hands?

What do I do with my hands?!

I fell forward_ I couldn't get up.

I didn't stop myself either...

I didn't know what to do with my hands.

I just laid there

while the faucets ran.

Hope was on the way...

I hope.

My Favorite Letter

My favorite letter, as I've discovered, is "J".

Here is a list of my favorite "J" things:

-John Mayer (delicious... when he takes his shirt off while playing at a concert... fab.)

-Juice (WAYYYY better than any other liquid that can be consumed)

-James Taylor (he's old, but FABULOUS in concert)

-Johnny Depp (self explanatory)

-Justification (you can justify anything if done correctly)

         -the root of the word... JUST... just be still, just because... can be used effectively every time

         -you can justify type while designing

-Jokes (they make me laugh)

-Jayden (LYNN is her REAL name)

-Jamaican looking girls (Kat)

-Juneau, Alaska (birth place of Alycia)

-Jack in the Box (has great curly fries)

-Jesus (he's holy... why not like him)

-Jumble, Juggle, Julep... all fun words.

Those are just a few... if I think of more... I'll let you know.

But as of today my favorite letter is no longer "E" (for EMILY), but "J".