Sunday, August 10, 2008


I stood there_ my hands sweating. Even if I had the strength to lift my hand to the knob I don't know if I'd have the grip to open it. I felt her sweaty hand inside my other palm. Her dead weight spread into my body. I could feel how heavy she was. She felt just as heavy as I did. My body was lead. If we had to try to tread water, the water would win. We were out there for so long. We had no chance anymore. I was ready to drop like an anchor. My muscles failed me. I couldn't feel my feet. I stared at the large steel door that we stood in front of. I let go of her hand. It dropped with a thud at her side. I wrapped my arm around her side to prop her up with the few ounces of strength I had left. As I lifted her up, my hand grabbed the door knob. I lifted my head, ready to face was laid beyond the steel door. The second it cracked open I could feel it. The heaviness rushed in. I put one foot forward and dragged her in behind me. She stopped fighting it and moved wherever my arm led her. Once we passed the threshold, waves of heaviness drifted into us. Each wave held a different explanation. Each one told a different story. My head, no longer high, had no direction. I focused on my feet. I couldn't feel them, but I could see them. I lifted my head as far up as I could. The waves kept hitting us. As I stared into the eyes of strangers I saw each explanation. Abuse, neglect, lack of love, the love ran out, the kids grew up, another man. Each set of eyes felt like a stab in my heart. She didn't seem to move. She seemed lifeless... nothing was left. She'd tried all she could. We were sinking. Our feet were bound, we couldn't run. We were set. It was set in cold, hard, bitter stone. The door swung closed behind us. 
Welcome to the club.


Katrina Brown said...

this is beautifully heavy em. i love the process you are letting your self feel and I am so excited to continue to journey with you-Kat

Meaghan Maples said...

i second that motion em. love your space.