I am... rain?

Today is a rainy day in San Diego. Today is a beautiful day in San Diego. I woke up feeling refreshed and revived, not remembering where I left off in prayer last night when I fell asleep but I don't care.... Today is a beautiful day. I woke up with the feeling of rejuvination. I am delighted in the fact that our God has created everything on this earth to be BEAUTIFUL despite my preference for sunny days. God has shown me beauty in this dreary weather. I have no idea where this spark has come from or where this sudden passion has risen from inside of me. I feel ALIVE. My deepest desires have resurfaced and today I have found FAITH and HOPE in knowing that all of this suffering has brought me "Back to You" (Johnny never lets me down with a good line to thrown in somewhere). I want to constantly be filled with this desire to LOVE an GROW in this crooked world (thanks Meg for this word that seems to be embedded in my head) and shine brighter than a 100000 Watt light bulb. I want to thank YOU, all of the YOU's in my life who have held my hand, held my heart, shook their heads at me, breathed with me, lived with me, listened to me, held the many pieces that somehow comprise this awkward human being that I call myself. I know that we are all so far from being perfect or sane or rational. Today is a great new day. 

I don't want to WANT anymore. All that I desire is a NEED for what is real and what is true. I don't want to be comprised of these earthly compounds, just of the purest of elements (Thank you Physical Science). 

Where my girls at? That thought keeps coming up in my head (Destiny's Child? Is that their song?). But thank you for the silliness of yesterdays conversation. It lightened my heart, relieved me of my daily stresses for that brief moment in time to stop and think about how great our God is to let the stars align for a moment and allow us all to be in the same place at the same time from all corners of the world. 

Just when you think you have lost all hope, all sense of yourself, you look in your closet and say THERE YOU ARE! God has allowed me to meet him here. meet him NOW. just as I AM. I am bust a mere human being, but I, we, am created by him, the greatest artist of all time. I am here. I am now. I am... who knows what I am, but I am.

Shut Off and Stop

Last night  a dear friend of mine saw the opportunity to shut off her brain and STOP THINKING... and I  decided to joined her. I don't know WHY it is that we wrap ourselves up with too much that we need to take the time to slow down and BREATHE, but we do. So we drained our brains to each other, filled our bellies, and wasted our evening giggling and playing guitar hero. I know... FAB-U-LOUS!

Thoughts:

We are run by our subconscious.

D is apparently my favorite new letter... I did not decide that consciously.

Laughing feels fabulous.

Ishmael is not as innocent of a name as one might think.

I beat Alycia at guitar hero 2 times... level of intensity doesn't matter.

I bought a "big girl" purse.

Cup or mug shot or neither?

Dancing no matter HOW feels fabulous.

I want school to be over.

I have no time but when I do have time I am always doing something.

I am a machine... 

I have about 10 different design projects.

Come home soon.

I want to be me again... whoever that might be.

One day we'll all look back and smile at how far we've come... (that's NOT what she/he said)

and we'll probably laugh at how crazy we were too.

Truth or Dare

I just thought I'd let you know that Truth or Dare at the age of 20, even the age of 22, can still be fun and beneficial. This particular Truth or Dare game, which started as a joke, that lasted for 5 hours, was quite successful. The truths consisted of serious and silly conversations. The dares consisted of dancing in your panties in the rain, making prank phone calls, picking avocados in the rain in your panties (everything is funnier when the other person is in their panties and you have clothes on... apparently), dancing and singing out loud while you have head phones on, and having to kiss a cat. 

I encourage us all to reach into our back pockets and pull out our pasts along with our immaturity and have a fun-filled night of Truth or Dare. If you're thinking, "I don't have enough people to play with" that's okay, it can be played with even just 3 people.

Try it... I dare you.

Words

Tonight I am inspired by words. Written words that all of my loves seem to be sharing. I know that technology is sometimes WAY too convenient but when your loves are spread throughout the world, I LOVE IT! 

Lately I have been thinking about the concept of units. The idea that things are meant to be clumped together to form a whole. Letters placed together and separated by punctuation and spaces create words and sentences that we use every day!  A beautiful whole that can full any hole in any one of us. I love that words are the links within a unit. They are the links between loved friends, loved boyfriends and girlfriends, and loved family members. 

Words are the most important thing that we have. Words define us! Words create who we are! 

The other day (on a lighter note) Samuel and I were sitting in the kitchen drinking our morning coffee and I mentioned to him that one day I would like a dog. I said that I would like to get a bulldog and name him Cleatus. Then, just to throw him for a loop, I decided to throw in that I wanted to get a girl bulldog as well and name her Clitoris. (The look on his face was priceless.) As he asked me questions, such as, are you serious? I kept a perfectly straight face and said, I think it's a beautiful name. As frustration slowly rose inside of him, I  grew more and more excited for the moment that I got to say GOTCHA! Once his frustration got to its peak he said, well I'm going to get a dog and name it Vagina, how does that sound? 

Keeping my cool as I tried to convince him that  Clitoris is a beautiful name and when the word comes out of your mouth it just sounds nice. The conversation ended with me saying that the only reason he doesn't like the name Clitoris for my future female bulldog is because of what the word/sound means. Words can have any definition, but we just automatically relate them to the meanings that we've been taught.  After this comment he responded with a rolling of his eyes which replaced the words "You're rediculous."

So-- WORDS ARE POWERFUL! Each word has a special, creative meaning. Each word has its own unique sound and I encourage us all to explore the power and silliness and excitement and seriousness of words.

Welcome

I stood there_ my hands sweating. Even if I had the strength to lift my hand to the knob I don't know if I'd have the grip to open it. I felt her sweaty hand inside my other palm. Her dead weight spread into my body. I could feel how heavy she was. She felt just as heavy as I did. My body was lead. If we had to try to tread water, the water would win. We were out there for so long. We had no chance anymore. I was ready to drop like an anchor. My muscles failed me. I couldn't feel my feet. I stared at the large steel door that we stood in front of. I let go of her hand. It dropped with a thud at her side. I wrapped my arm around her side to prop her up with the few ounces of strength I had left. As I lifted her up, my hand grabbed the door knob. I lifted my head, ready to face was laid beyond the steel door. The second it cracked open I could feel it. The heaviness rushed in. I put one foot forward and dragged her in behind me. She stopped fighting it and moved wherever my arm led her. Once we passed the threshold, waves of heaviness drifted into us. Each wave held a different explanation. Each one told a different story. My head, no longer high, had no direction. I focused on my feet. I couldn't feel them, but I could see them. I lifted my head as far up as I could. The waves kept hitting us. As I stared into the eyes of strangers I saw each explanation. Abuse, neglect, lack of love, the love ran out, the kids grew up, another man. Each set of eyes felt like a stab in my heart. She didn't seem to move. She seemed lifeless... nothing was left. She'd tried all she could. We were sinking. Our feet were bound, we couldn't run. We were set. It was set in cold, hard, bitter stone. The door swung closed behind us. 

Welcome to the club.

Drains

Everything turns inside out

That cage is too small and they don't know

what to do with it.

Beeps and flames and sticks can't

make the cage open up.

I close my eyes, but it's still there.

The only problem is is that I don't know what it is.

All I know is that it's too big for me

and there's no password to open the door

and let it roam free.

The faucets,

all the faucets,

are turned on.

Someone left to make a trip to the store

and when I got home,

everything was flooded_ destroyed.

I was so distracted by trying to keep everything

from getting wet that I forgot

to turn the faucets off.

I looked down.

My feet were all wrinkled and shriveled.

Time had gone by

and I hadn't noticed.

I was being soaked into the flood.

I searched violently to find

a dry space to calm my feet.

My feet kept moving.

They weren't moving forward, though.

They were moving right and left and up and down.

I was being pushed in every direction

all the while the pounding continued.

It got louder and louder until I could finally hear it.

And then I saw it.

I saw the cage with the tremendous beast

smashed within the bars.

It was screaming to be let out.

I was screaming to be let out.

My hands_ what do I do with my hands?

What do I do with my hands?!

I fell forward_ I couldn't get up.

I didn't stop myself either...

I didn't know what to do with my hands.

I just laid there

while the faucets ran.

Hope was on the way...

I hope.

My Favorite Letter

My favorite letter, as I've discovered, is "J".

Here is a list of my favorite "J" things:

-John Mayer (delicious... when he takes his shirt off while playing at a concert... fab.)

-Juice (WAYYYY better than any other liquid that can be consumed)

-James Taylor (he's old, but FABULOUS in concert)

-Johnny Depp (self explanatory)

-Justification (you can justify anything if done correctly)

         -the root of the word... JUST... just be still, just because... can be used effectively every time

         -you can justify type while designing

-Jokes (they make me laugh)

-Jayden (LYNN is her REAL name)

-Jamaican looking girls (Kat)

-Juneau, Alaska (birth place of Alycia)

-Jack in the Box (has great curly fries)

-Jesus (he's holy... why not like him)

-Jumble, Juggle, Julep... all fun words.

Those are just a few... if I think of more... I'll let you know.

But as of today my favorite letter is no longer "E" (for EMILY), but "J".

It's Making Me Define Me

I truly believe that life comes in waves and those who are around you experience similar struggles and joys for a reason. Part of it is because when you genuinely care for someone you empathize with them. When a person carries their love for you in their heart and vise versa there's a strange connection that is formed. When you're hurting they feel your hurt and when they're hurting you feel theirs. Emotions are such a powerful aspect in our lives, but they're also the most confusing. There's such a vast range of emotions that can be felt. I believe that I have felt emotions on every end of the spectrum. Pure joy and utter sadness. Both are essential. Both are powerful. Both are worth it. 

But what happens when you feel both of them at the same time? 

When you feel extreme emotions you reach a point where you end up saying...

Have you seen (insert your name)?? I can't seem to find him/her (depending on your gender... if you're not sure of that... just say IT or THEM... THEM is, of course, if you think you might be more than one person because you feel like you're that far gone).

A friend of mine just said that to me and it got me thinking... Emotions are what force us to figure ourselves out. If we constantly ignore our emotions then how are we ever going to find ourselves? And WHEN do we reach that point where we don't understand ourselves and we have to start making ourselves define ourselves?

Yeah it's a cliche thought... "Emily I'm not up for your psycho babble right now."

But think about it... consider it... dwell on it... Search for silence. 

No matter where your heart is... whether someone carried it to India with them, Alaska, or South Africa, or if it's in Orange County or San Diego... My heart is split all over the world... I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for taking my heart with you. Thank you for speaking to it and making it question itself. Thank you for comforting it. Thank you for loving it.

You don't know what you're doing to me. How you are influencing me on your adventures. 

Thank you.

Grammar Lesson

My pet peeve:

The incorrect use of There, Their, and They're and other such homophones.

It was nice seeing you their.

When I went on a bike ride I used there bike.

I met his parents the other day. There nice people.

I went over they're.

No No No that is so wrong. 

Here is the correct usage:

It was nice seeing you THERE.

When I went on a bike ride I used THEIR bike.

I met his parents the other day. THEY'RE nice people.

I went over THERE.

I know that some people think it's just a weird problem I have, but the improper use of these can automatically make you look foolish to a stranger.

I was watching a very educational show the other day, Sex in the City, and in one of the episodes Carrie gets a letter from her Ex's new wife. In the letter, she wrote "I'm sorry I couldn't be THEIR." Carrie then calls her friend and says, "She's an idiot."

 So my entire purpose of this blog is to save you the embarrassment of being called an idiot because you don't know your homophones. Go ahead and incorrectly use a comma, but as for homophones...Learn them.

Extremes But We Relate

So I had a thought today... Well actually I have lots of thoughts everyday, most of the time way too many. Anyway, a good friend of mine just wrote a blog about her experience with discrimination and it just got me thinking... Aren't we all minorities in our own way? There are a rare few who could fit in anywhere in this world. I thought my friend was one of them. She's a beautiful half black, half white girl who gets mistaken for being everything from  Jamaican to Swedish. She's currently studying in India where she is a minority. I'm a blond haired, blue eyed, 75% German, some random percentage Jewish girl who lives in California. Yeah, based on my looks I fit in here. During the summer I can get an awesome tan and the more the sun shines on me, the lighter my hair gets. I am in no way exotic to California. BUT I've been all over the world and people know that I'm not from there. In South Africa that was an obvious one, in Italy they knew I was from California, in Germany they thought I was from there, and in the Philippines they just assumed I was American (rightfully so). Each place in this world has their ideas of what the "majority" should look like and what the "standard" appearance should be. But if looks were eliminated there wouldn't be a need for the words "minority" and "majority" in reference to society. I've learned that each person has hurts, each person knows how to laugh, each person has weird things about them. If I was alive during WWII think about how controversial I would be, I look like I fit into the Arian race, but I am Jewish, so which side would have won? Most likely my appearance, right? At least that's what I'd like to think... They'd take one look at me and ASSUME I was acceptable based on my appearance. 

One of the things that bugs me most about people is our ability to generalize and assume and categorize. I know that in America we're considered, by law, to be "free", but socially we are far from being free. Even a blond haired, blue eyed, 75% German, and some random percentage Jewish girl living in Southern California has assumptions made about her. They might not be as direct as a half black, half white girl living in India, but they're there. 

My Utopia: I wish that every person we saw was immediately stripped of their outward appearance. All we got was words and feelings from others. Once we got to know us then we got to see us. That way we'd see us for what we really are.

Let's make it happen.

And that's my rant today, in response to yours.

Love you!

My New Favorite Blog

Here's a man that knows his sarcasm, satire, and he's straight up sexual.

http:// www.johnmayer.com/blog

...

I've got no words right now...

and for some reason, I'm perfectly fine with that.

Hey Johnny

Little tin soldier

you finally found your drum

you don't have a uniform

but you look more eloquent that way.

I looked out my window today

and I saw Johnny Appleseed

walking barefooted 

without a pot on his head.

That part's just a myth

but I could see streams of floating colors

following him where ever he went.

I don't know if they were visible to everyone

but they were vibrant to me.

I went down to ask him what they were

but when I got there I realized 

I had them too.

I breathed him in

and let it be.

When in doubt...

... put on your roommates huge head phones and dance and sing as loud as you can.

... do the previous statement for your roommate who's in a bad mood.

... laugh.

... eat.

... don't shower.

... point your toes.

... complain irrationally.

... look at bumper stickers on facebook.

... do what feels good.

... draw.

... write.

... make fun of someone else.

... play with your cat.

... swim naked.

... look at old pictures.

... listen to Frank Sinatra.

... lay on the ground and stare.

Some Quotes

I've been here and there and everywhere lately. My heart is full of joy in being able to love with my friends these past few days. I think I've spent time with every type of friend I have. The crazy ones (they're all crazy), the artsy ones, the silly ones, the caring ones, the boyfriend ones (or ONE I should say), the random ones. I'm so extremely blessed to have these people in my life. Here are some of the things my friends say:

"If you don't do it Uncle Kramer I'll shit in your gin and tonic." (said in a 7-year-old British accent)

"Is that like a black bra and a white shirt?"

"You just flexed your muscles and I got whip lash from just looking at it."

"I'll come back for you... always and forever."

"Where's Hannah? I just want to see Hannah."

"I had a dream about you..."

It's so comforting to know that in the midst of a huge storm there are gusts of wind that sweep you off your feet and keep you going forward. 

To My Samba Girl

She's got the worlds most contageous smile,

She's got the smoothest brown skin.

She fills my heart with joy and laughter,

Her name is not Jayden, but Lynn.

She reminds me of yellow sunshine

and a bucket of sweets,

She loves to sing and swing

and move to old school beats.

Oh my Lynny girl

off you go

on a beautiful adventure

to discover everything and more.

Go climb trees 

my little Samba girl.

Fly with the birds

and sing with the clouds.

Roll in the mud

and swim naked when you can.

Dance underneath

the Southern Hemisphere's stars.

Shout to the world

know that you're blessed

and when you get back

tell me your stories.

We'll be waiting with smiles

and open arms.

Blue Jays and Scarecrows

Brown and dimpled, where has my sanity gone?

A blue jay swooped down and snatched it with its beak.

I saw it with my own two eyes, but it happened too fast that I don't really remember it.

Then I started spinning,

First in a field, then in a town, then in a sea of darkness

that flooded from the inside out.

I couldn't find the faucet.

As I was searching for it a hand reached down.

It went straight for me first,

the righty-tighty of the faucet was second.

It didn't matter if I couldn't breathe,

What I saw would have taken my breath away anyway, twice.

You're beautiful when you cry.

Tears ran down, ran down nakedly,

they were unstoppable.

Notes ran in my ears, through my brain,

into my heart and out my soul

and caught every drop in its hands.

It was a deep desire to sit at that table and purely indulge

not through my mouth, just my heart.

The other day it went from stone to mush to sponge.

The only thing about my sponge is that it can't hold enough.

It's already full and 20 is such a miniscule number on the scale.

The power you hold in your hand like a remote.

Press your buttons, let's get this movie rolling,

preferably up hill,

down just has weeds and scarecrows.

If you look up there's sunshine and those are the only two things I need.

My own and my worlds, 20 days ago,

20 days from now.

20 lifetimes I'd spend filling myself up with you.

Bags of Tea

I walk into work today. Get to my desk. Put the mail down. Notice a little sticky note that reads:

Emily- Last Thursday you left me a message on my phone. It was 5 minutes long. It was a convo between you and another girl. I couldn't get all of it, but the end was about tea bagging, and how one of you had looked on wikipedia to find out what it was. I don't think you knew you were leaving me a message but thanks for the laugh.

Hours: 9-12:30

lunch

1-4:30

-James

So naturally I turn on the computer and record his hours that he had worked into the time sheet. While doing so I thought to myself... when did I have a conversation about tea bagging? When did my phone accidentally call James? (A boy I'd met for the first time the other day, very briefly, we talked work stuff.) But to be honest I was not surprised by it because I probably had had a conversation with someone about tea bagging and what it was.

LATER I picked up Tracey when she got off work (at 1:00PM) because that's what we do every Monday. Not really thinking about it, I casually asked, Did we have a conversation about tea bagging? 

Her reply: Yeah, on the balcony the other day. Remember I told you I didn't know what it was so I looked it up on wikipedia and the picture they had showing what it was was of some video game thing? It was a picture of a video game character tea bagging another video game character in some Transformers video game. Why?

And then I explained the note. We had a good laugh. Then we got sandwiches.

Green

Left turn signal, street lights

My hearts beating like it does when 

I'm remembering.

It pounds in my chest.

Begging to be let out,

To run away.

I make it stay.

I want it to realize that

There's nothing left here

in this ghost town.

The orange glow 

makes me  green.

Those chairs dig into my body.

It doesn't nearly taste as sweet.

But I decided I'm not hungry

Anymore.

I've got green streets

and blue skies elsewhere.

Goodbye.

My heart beats normal again.

I'm home.

Sleep Sweet Sleep

The lights go out, it's almost one.

There's some fumbling with blankets and pillows.

I can't see much of you

You're just a figured silhouette in the dark.

You move so gracefully and place yourself on top of me

You touch my face and whisper secrets that only I can know.

You tried to explain, I like that you always try

To explain what I already know.

You put it into words I'd never thought of.

I can feel you, more than I ever have.

I was expecting a story

and maybe a short little prayer

but instead you just looked at me

and tucked me into bed.

It was the most innocent we've ever been.

Sleep never felt so sweet.

Mercy by Duffy... listen to it

OK... some thoughts, stories, comments of this past week.

Feelings: chaotic, stressful, beautiful, exciting, joyous, giddy, tired

-Be careful to answer the door if you're only in your underwear

-I've never thought my heart would stop like that

-Parents are crazy.

-Sunset Cliffs on a clear sunny day is simply gorgeous, one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

-Gas is too expensive.

-The best text message I have ever received: 

Tracey: "Let's quit work and head down to TJ"

-I used to like my cat... now it just follows me everywhere... and i don't like it as much anymore

-Deny, Deny, Deny

-Puzzles are fun when they come out of no where and you have the right kinds of sustenance

-Dad's are wonderful... well mine is at least

-It truly is a small small world.

-You might think it's fun to get your eyes checked, but it's not... your eyes just hurt afterwards.

-4am can be the greatest time of the day

-Don't you think it's weird how you're hair just stops growing? and doesn't grow in certain places?

-I sat in the same section as this man on the train, he started talking, I listened politely, next thing I know he's showing me pictures of his Costa Rica vacation and asking me if I want to get Persian food

-I want to play Ultimate Frisbee (LYNN!!!!)

-I played the game of LIFE with the 2 girls I nanny for. Advice: Always let the kids win and let them make up whatever rules they want. 

-In the game of LIFE I ended up married with 2 boys and 1 girl, I was an artist making $100,000 per year, I lived on the beach and every time someone rolled a "1" I got $10,000. C'est la vie!

-You should watch the North Shore alternate ending... it's good every time.

Sisterpants Hood

So I was driving home and got a call from one of my best friends who is currently living in SLO. She was talking to our other friend who is currently living in Alaska. I was told to rush home and go online and somehow we were going to video chat. I started laughing in my car by myself at the thought of the 4 of us kindred spirits being like the characters in Now and Then. Four girls, different paths and directions, but we hold a bond that can surpass any type of distance. I drove home faster than I ever have, rushed to my computer and got to see 2 of the most beautiful faces I know. We laughed, we shared, we loved... then the connection (or something) broke and that was the end of it... but it was totally worth the rush home.

There's something amazing about the bond that is formed between 2 people and it grows as more people start to share that bond. There's something about the same-sex bond that fills a certain hole in your heart that nothing else can fill. Our God is an amazing God. He has blessed us with the gift of being able to connect and go deep and be intimate with others. 

Kindred spirits fill holes that nothing else ever could. It's beautiful. 

My heart feels whole again. : )

A Public Announcement/ Correction

This just in... Eleanor Cordelia Rigby is a HE not a SHE. We decided to leave the name and let shim (she+him=shim) deal with gender confusion issues.

Pictured above if the newest member of the Hamer-Schmechel household. Her name is Eleanor Cordelia Rigby.

Ok I've always been ANTI- cat but then my aunt gave us this cat. We wanted the runt of the litter and her name was to going to be Sadie Lou Freebush, but when we drove out to my aunts 5-acre property in the middle of no where little Sadie Lou ran away and disappeared (She's a magician said my uncle while we were on our 3rd hour of looking for the stupid thing). SOOO Tracey pulled herself together, we decided that Sadie Lou wasn't meant to be, and we brought home Elley (that's her nickname).

For those of you who haven't tried your Photobooth with your pet... YOU SHOULD!

We love the newest member of our family.

OK but on a more serious note:
Today I was driving to Balboa to drop off a painting for my boss and I got uber distracted by a painted electrical box (or whatever they are... you know the ones that are painted all over SD?). Well it wasn't the most beautiful piece of art I'd ever seen but the message on it was inspiring. "Life is Beautiful" Yeah it's something we've all heard before, but it just sparked something inside of me. God has the best sense of humor. He lets your eye catch a little secret message that you wouldn't usually notice (We've all driven that way and probably never noticed it). YEAH this whole this is cliche but it made my day.
So i encourage us all to embrace the beauty of LIFE! indulge in it, laugh about it, cry about it, celebrate it!!! no matter where we are... Africa, India, Camp, by the ocean, or in the middle of the desert.

Things I decided today:

Today I did absolutely nothing. I went outside for 1 reason (well for the most part, I left to get a sandwich and go in the spa but that was all after 8 in the PM) and it was at 11:00am, in my robe, to grab something from my car (which was parked half way up the hill from my house because everyone decided last night to sleep over... oh yeah you better believe I got honked at by cars driving by...FUN!). It was a fabulous day. I caught myself staring, which was something that I hadn't done in a long time. Staring at nothing and thinking about everything is a great form of therapy. My friend always tells me I suck at alone time, well today I think I proved her wrong. For once, my favorite hobbie (people) wasn't something I wanted to indulge in. 

So here's what I've come up with today:

people's blogs are fascinating... I had NO idea

the ceiling of my room is hideous

sometimes my kitchen is way too far away

my friend Tracey is THE funniest person I know

if you pee your pants a little when you laugh, it's okay

if you're tired at 8:00 PM, go in a spa and it'll just make you even more tired

God created strange things (i.e. popcorn ceilings, humans, blue birds, words, ideas, colors, clouds that cover sunshine... just off the top of my head-- these are all things I witnessed today)

God created beautiful things (i.e. words, ideas, colors, sunshine, laughter, sandwiches, Tracey-- all things I experienced today)

people can make you jealous really easily (by saying they got to go to Freddie Mercury's house today)

bathrooms will always be dirty no matter how much you clean them

if something has cheese on it, it is good

listening is important

Crest white strips are a pain the ass but are glorious nonetheless

sometimes it's okay to throw in the towel and let down your pride

silence is a beautiful thing

writing a wedding speech is a pain in the ass

having like minded people in your life is inspiring

God has the best sense of humor... just listen for it

There's nothing like a day of silence to break any type of insanity.

Comfort

I am relaxed, darkness has already fallen and the only source of light is the small slither of that cheese-like textured moon. My lids are starting to feel heavy. I pull the blankets over my face, trying to find comfort. It's so hard to find these days, something that isn't making my hair fall out, that is. My lids are heavier now. My bed seems like it's shrinking, the walls are starting to run at me. Everything turns black. My lids are too heavy. God must have flicked off the night light he was providing for me, my last source of comfort. Strangely enough, I'm not scared. Next thing I know I'm waking up. Light is pouring into my iris' and suddenly I say

Good morning sunshine, I'm so glad you're here.

Like Rain

My heart goes

pitter patter pitter patter

blood goes in and blood goes out

My lungs in hale then exhale

That's how I breathe

My mind turns and turns

My legs hold me up

My eyes show me the world

Then I see you and everything changes

My heart goes pitter patter

pitter pit patter

but then it stops

because I see you.

Little Girl

Excuse me little girl sitting in that jacket, swimming in it.

Where'd you get it? From a big girls closet?

Where'd you get that gun? From your daddy's drawer?

or maybe my daddy's drawer.

I can't stop what you do, but I'd sure as hell like to try.

Looking at you is so hard to do.

It's taking everything inside of me not to cry.

I feel like there's no point, you just blink those blue eyes at me.

Those big blue eyes that only show me my own reflection.

I want to stop you from doing that, pulling that trigger.

For your own good, but mostly my own.

We can take our finger off that trigger.

Rip our eyes off that shiney trigger because, my little baby, it'll hurt more that what we feel now.

Only we can stop our hearts from hurting

and only we can stop our hearts from beating.

Only we can stop our lungs from breathing_ right now.

I'd like to say sorry for how I failed you.

Sorry for making this not worth while.

I'm sorry for that blindfold that's covering your eyes from what you could see.

I'd like to say life is beautiful, but sometimes that's a lie.

Come here little girl, let me hold you while you cry.

Give me your hand, we're in this together in a strange way.

We are each other, but we are our own.

Let's walk away from the closet that's been keeping us in the dark.

Hold my hand, hold me while I hold you.

I'm sick of holding back my tears.

I already feel like liquid,

might as well drain myself out.

Lace

I'm looking for a shoe without a lace,

but not just any shoe,

a shoe that matches the lace around my wrist.

It's white and thick.

It wraps around about five times,

and it comes to an end where both ends form a knot.

I need to find a shoe for my lace,

I don't want to keep it for myself.

I want a shoe. I want a shoe for my lace.

I want to find the perfect shoe for my perfect lace.

To You My Darling

Strawberry fields and soy lattes, craziness and a whore family no longer deemed simply crazy but insane and addicted. Addicted to selfishness and fishnet stockings. They cover you enough to warm you up a little, but they aren't whole_ they aren't holy, but they're holey. You can still see everything despite the attempt to veil yourself, hide from reality but everyone can see the general shape. They aren't fooled by the shadows. I'm not fooled by the shadows even though I'm the fool behind the shadows, in the shadows. 

You worry and write while I dream and draw. I am not going to crush like that aluminum can that you hold in your fist while trying to forget your not-forgotten. I am and always will be who I am. You aren't who you are. Without me you crumble. Without you I am at my best. I am what I can be with you across the country and Atlantic. I am who I am despite becoming what I eat and who I indulge. You aren't like you swore you always would be. I am you and you are me but not anymore.

Songs are turned into lives and can become any story. I can't write songs or play them or create them but I can sing them, and i DO and i WILL. And despite what they mean they are for me and what is me. They fill me. That are my therapy. So are people... but at this point everyone is turning black, fading into the dark and I am left... standing alone to deal with me.

So I Thought of You Today

While sitting on a bench

That overlooked never ending green

Continuous

I could've sat there forever

Dreaming about street lights and pillows

And other lovely things

Overlooking where I've come from

If you were there

You wouldn't have been able to move either

I'm glad you were there with me

I felt you in my hand

Smooth and wonderful

I decided to keep you forever

Because I liked the idea of always knowing

That's where I found you

For her

"For her I changed pebbles into diamonds, shoes into mirrors. I changed glass into water, I gave her wings and pulled birds from her ears and in her pockets she found feathers. I asked a pear to become a pineapple, a pineapple to become a light bulb, a light bulb to become the moon, and the moon to become a coin I flipped for her love. Both sides were heads: I knew I couldn't lose..."

Firenze

Freedom fell upon us as we sat upon our bikes to ride. The second our wheels started moving everything changed. The wind in my barely-there hair felt wonderful mixed with the heat of the day. We wheeled our way to the outskirts of the city where everything fell silent and there was nothing but neighborhoods and cars slowly rolling by. We were intrigued by a sign that read "camping" and followed it up a winding path to a new level ground surrounded by trees on all sides. The sun wrestled the branches to peak itself through upon us. A gap in the hedges called out to us, sparking our curiosity. We locked up our bikes and hopped the fence into a new world. We grabbed the purple, round, juicy grapes and fell into a world of bliss. We wandered around, admiring the greenery that suddenly surrounded us and seemed to sneak under our skin. Once high enough we found Florence, in all it's glory, laying down below us. I felt infinite... I think all of us did.

Once

Drawn to it, like an addict needs nicotine walk away, chairs, all of the chairs and fences touch from every angle, breathe from every angle focus, focus but not too hard your heart might shatter it's not like you deserve it, you don't feel much anyways you feel everything- rings in hair, in jackets, in fields of blankets under trees close your eyes, it'll go away Darkness, the color of eyes and hearts especially after you've fixed those fits Fix it... it's still beating, breathing What, nevermind I wonder what it'd look like in the day in the sun, you are my sunshine but not my only hat touch, breathe, look and get lost in get out of my head, out or disappear, disappear, disappear, i can't stop that was it that was it it was it was it was but liars never tell the truth eyes are hard to see hands are hard to feel feeling isn't anything-- anymore nevermore always more no more no more's that was it, eyes are only beautiful if you want them to be